A brief commentary from John Key, Prime Minister

Hello.

I’m not going to apologise. There’s nothing to apologise for. I have done nothing wrong.

Yes I suppose a few people in my office may have possibly been in contact with people in Camoron Slater’s office, but I had no idea this was happening. The report says as much.

You just have to read the report to understand how exonerating  it is. It clearly states that nothing at all has happened. I have never seen Camoron Slater. The National Party has never met Camoron Slater. The SIS does not get in contact with my office letting it know information that we’ve asked for to embarrass the leader of the opposition. Jason Ede has never rung up Camoron Slater and told him exactly what to write in his Official Information Act request which he’s then received immediately by email. Warren Tucker is not a member of the National Party.

This is clearly a smear by Nicky Hager. It’s an outrageous smear. I don’t even know Camoron Slater. How can I call someone I don’t know? Why would someone in my office call someone I don’t know? That just doesn’t make sense.

In fact, I have nothing to apologise for because I’ve never done anything. Nothing at all. I’ve never done anything. In fact, I’m yet to be born.

That is why I’m not going to apologise. I’ve done nothing wrong because I DON’T EXIST.

Thank you.

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