It is safe to say before the election last month I was fairly prolific in the blogosphere as we headed to an election. Was it because there was a glimmer of hope for we on this side of the coin? I don’t know. I don’t have the money to poll thousands of people a week to check whether or not the lies I’m peddling are being believed because a compliant and unquestioning media is utterly compliant and totally unquestioning.

What we have now is three more years. Three more years of John Key and his band of brothers and sisters. Three more years of dirty politics. Oh… don’t worry… they’ve given up on the Blubber Oil style of doing things. You only have to listen to John Key during his ridiculous additions to parliamentary question time when he acts like all those dicks I hated at secondary school. When questioned about, say, breaches to the Official Information Act which are totally illegal, he might say something like, “well at least I don’t have stupid hair like the member opposite.”

Of course, our dear prime minister has never actually said those exact words – it’s the sentiment I’m talking about. Rather than argue the point and back up whatever action he is being questioned on with evidence supporting his point of view he just abuses the person questioning him.

You know when Key has nothing to support his argument, policy or party when he starts the schoolboy name-calling. That’s the National Party’s default. They just can’t help themselves. That is ultimately how Blubber Oil got to where he is today – by taking the National Party modus operandi to the ultimate extreme.

If you disagree with me I destroy you with lies, half-truths and inane bullshit. Because I’m a journalist.

The main reason I’ve been quiet for the last month or so is the utter desolation I feel towards the current situation. Do 50% or so of New Zealanders really believe that John Key is just the bees knees? Why? Probably because the other option is just a joke.

Labour was the joke option. Nobody believed anything they had to offer. And as Labour are the ‘leaders’ of their side of the house that means our side of the house is also the joke option.

All this means I am very unmotivated to crank out the opinions. I have writer’s block. I’m blocked by the fact that dirty politics is winning and progressive ideals are being rejected by the electorate in favour of a guy who “sounds like me” and gives a good selfie.

For me, at the present time, politics just makes me go, “meh.”


Selfie shenanigans: with David Seymour

Greetings again everybody. Under-secretary for stuff David Seymour here just with a few words of advice for any budding new MPs out there.

As you may or may not know, all the ministers in the latest Key government were sworn in under a blood moon this week. As you might suspect, there were the usual rituals of swearing an oath to Queen Elizabeth and sacrificing a baby goat, but the most exciting bit was receiving our ‘to-do list’ from Mr Key.

There was only one thing on my to-do list. If anyone asks Ms Parata about charter schools or privatisation of poor schools in poor areas I’m to immediately jump up and say how excited I am about the ACT Party’s charter school ideas that we’ve managed to sell to the government. Mr Key says it’s important that the New Zealand public are clear in understanding that National’s charter school policy is not their charter school policy.

That’s absolutely fine by me. Technically, since the ACT Party doesn’t really exist, any situation where the ACT Party talks about itself in this way is most exciting. Our major and very generous benefactors – the New Zealand taxpayer (without whom we’d be up a certain creek with no paddle, no boat and completely unable to keep our head above the sludge) – really want to hear what we have to say. I mean the ACT Party received over 0.65% of the vote at the last election. That’s hundreds and hundreds of votes. It’s a mandate.

Speaking of mandates, I am very much looking forward to my first cabinet meeting this week. Of course, I’m not allowed in the big room at the big table. That’s reserved for Mr Key and Mr English and all the other people who have real jobs in this administration. No, there’s an extra table for me and Peter Dunne outside the Cabinet room. We get to colour in pictures of Sir Robert while we wait for Mr Key to come out and tell us what to say next.

Starting the campaign for Epsom: 2020

If there’s one thing I’ve learnt from Mr Key this year is that selfies are the single most important thing for securing votes. I was door-knocking in Epsom the other day (just in case people had forgotten about me in the two weeks since the election) and imagine my surprise when I was greeting by a small gaggle of private school children all dressed as well-known feminist Miley Cyrus. After spending several minutes laughing about how out of touch the Labour Party is and how amazing alcopops are as an afternoon aperitif, we went our separate ways. I was humbled by the reception and was promised several hundred votes at the 2020 elections.

Oh well… I’d better be off. I’ve got several hundred doors to knock on today. Epsom is a large electorate and as National Party MP for Epsom it is hugely important to me to get out there and talk to as many pre-ball parties as possible.