A pre-election statement on behalf of the National Party

Hello and welcome to this statement from Me, John Key, your beloved prime minister.

I never ever see this guy or talk to him. I don’t even know who he is, let alone who is father is, or who Katherine Rich is (not pictured, allegedly {it’s actually quite the fashion to wear a t-shirt to a black-tie event}).

You know, it’s been a torrid couple of weeks on the campaign trail as the Labour Party leaders Kim Dotcom and Nicky Hager have peddled their mischief to New Zealand. I, for one, am not buying in to their left-wing conspiracy that somehow the New Zealand government, under my leadership, has changed the law for Warner Brothers, the FBI and the NSA, leaked SIS documents to bloggers, undermined public servants through the same blogger and broken a vast range of constitutional conventions.

Look, I haven’t read the book, but I can tell you this – it’s all lies. How do I know this? Well, Nicky Hager, working through hacked emails given to him by Kim Dotcom and Hone Harawira, emails that were stolen from someone working in my office who I have nothing to do with, emails that were written by people from the National Party who don’t have any association with the National Party, has taken things completely out of context.

At the end of the day, New Zealanders don’t care whether their government is corrupt or not. They care about the issues that matter. Health, education, the economy and selfies. I’m travelling the country at the moment and people everywhere are saying, “John! John!! Come over here. Can I get a picture??”

Who am I to go against the wishes of New Zealanders? Who am I to say, “No. I’m not going to get a selfie with you because Labour and Kim Dotcom say that I’m a corrupt liar.” What kind of prime minister would I be if I didn’t let people get a selfie with me? Helen Clark?

At the end of the day, we in the National Party believe the best thing to do for New Zealand and New Zealanders is absolutely nothing. That’s why we’re not releasing any policies. Even this week, with the release of our tax cuts policy, we’re not going to include any details. It’s important that New Zealanders don’t get their thoughts cluttered with unnecessary information. Even this week when we announce our policy on tax cuts we are not including any information about our policy on tax cuts. It’s that important to us that New Zealanders don’t have their minds confused by specific numbers or policy detail.

New Zealanders need to realise that if they are voting for Labour they are voting for the insane 6-headed monster of the Greens and ManaInternet. Which tail will be wagging that dog? New Zealanders need to vote for the strong, stable government and that’s what National and our partners ACT, UnitedFuture, the Maori Party, the Conservatives and New Zealand First can offer.

Thank you for listening.

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