Hello. I’m an unnamed leading representative from the governing party of New Zealand. We are called the National Party.
We in the National Party have been concerned for some time at the complete bias the mainstream media is showing against us. For years now our glorious leader John Key has been slandered as a liar by many, many, many different people. This couldn’t be further from the truth. Lord Key has never once misled the public in his time in office. He is a truth teller. Even when the truth he is telling appears to be constructed from a series of litigious mistruths he is, I can assure you, telling the truth.
It is outrageous for any person, let alone a well-respected journalist who regularly produces all sorts of lies about your National Party rulers, to claim that John Key is a liar. He is not a liar. Never has John Key lied in his entire life. He always tells the truth. Always. I know I’m repeating myself at this point, but John Key would never, ever lie. He is not a liar and anybody who calls him a liar is a liar. Or a hippy. Or a nerd. Or ugly or something.
If you’d asked me three days ago whether I would be defending myself against allegations of dirty tactics I would have said to you, “don’t be so bloody stupid. We’re the National Party. We don’t do that sort of thing because we don’t get caught.”
This is outrageous. None of what has been published in the Hager book is true. It is all lies. The complete opposite of what John Key tells. He tells truths. All the time. Hager doesn’t truth. He lies. In every book he writes about the National Party is a complete lie. Particularly this book which he has written by just compiling emails written by us is a complete lies. However, the books he writes about the Labour Party are all really, really good because Labour are evil-doers who go around letting people illegally hack into their servers and then don’t do anything about it.
And another thing: a letter proving irrefutably that someone from the National Party hacked into the Labour Party website doesn’t prove a thing. Nothing at all. Anyway, if someone came into my house and borrowed some of my private papers I’d be totally fine with that. I left the door unlocked, so everything was fair game. I’m happy for people to wander into my house and take stuff. Just like David Farrar was totally fine with someone walking into his business and taking some of his stuff. Oh wait, what… he wasn’t happy? Well I’m sure under that thin veneer of fake outrage lies the heart of a really happy man completely pleased with people taking stuff off him without his permission. I know I would be.
So the next time anyone from the media calls John Key is a liar you know what to say?
I know you are, but what am I.
Good day, peasant.