Campaign Directions: with Steven Joyce, campaign director

Hello to you all.

After six straight years of talking about a surplus, the National-led coalition is striding towards what will perhaps be the greatest defeat since the Nazis were driven out of Yugoslavia by Archduke Franz Ferdinand during the Korean War.

As campaign director I’ve instructed myself to do a regular blog updating you on the goings on in and around the campaign as a huge range of talented go-getters and Melissa Lee all seek re-election against a hapless opposition.

Having sat down with our key strategists to devise our Key strategy (National is John Key and vice versa), we have also thought long and hard about what will give us a comprehensive third term election victory. After much debate and discussion it really comes down to one thing: Total and complete arrogance.

If there’s one thing the voters love in a politician is a high level of sanctimonious arrogance levelled at them and their families. Take, for example, the poor. I often talk down to them – mostly in an indirect way. I say things like, “there are plenty of jobs out there,” when what I actually mean is, “there are plenty of jobs out there so get off your chuffs and start doing them.”

You know, I don’t care if you’re a fully trained electrical engineer or a registered nurse or a teacher. If you’re out of work, you need a job. Anyone can learn to make my coffee. It’s easy. Trim Latte with a little silver fern drawn into the froth. You should be doing that.

What we’ve also decided to do during this campaign is what we label a “call it like it isn’t” strategy. This works best when people say things to us that are either a) true or b) actually happening. Say, for example, Grant Robertson says something about economic development in the regions and that National is putting all its faith in the milk and earthquake rebuilds. What I would do in response is just shout over the top of him. What I said wouldn’t really matter, the main point is that it looks like I’m on the front foot and completely in control of the little pip-squeak. I might accuse him of being an idiot or a loony or a conspiracy theorist. Basically the idea is to belittle him to the point where he is a gibbering wreck and I am the winner. Just like in high school.

So I think you’ll all agree with this winning policy of sheer arrogance and making stuff up (see first paragraph), National will definitely crack 60% of the party vote. You dicks.

Steve

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