Greetings and salutations to you all.
I am John Archibald Banks and I’m here to clear the air following my sentencing yesterday on trumped-up and, quite frankly, ludicrous charges of electoral fraud.
Let me categorically state here and now, for the record, that I, John Archibald Banks, am not guilty of this heinous crime. It is quite clear from the evidence presented to the court that I asked for the $50,000 donation from the unnamed German helicopter owner to be cleft in twain and clearly did not read my electoral finances return before signing it thereby creating some level of plausible deniability. As fraudulent as this appears, I am not guilty. I know I’m not guilty because constitutional law professor Michelle Boag says I’m not guilty. Therefore, I am not guilty.
It is utterly outrageous that I will be confined to my luxury Remuera villa from the time I usually get home at night until the time I usually leave in the morning. This is clearly an infringement on my basic human rights. It also goes to show just how biased the justice system is to elderly down-trodden multi-millionaire white men such as myself.
I would like to say at this time that I have some astounding new evidence that I will blow the lid off both this case and all the cabbage boats in New Zealand. Many people have been asking me what this brand-new evidence is. Why has it taken so long to come to light? Why didn’t you have it in your hands during your trial? You could have given yourself a more solid defence.
Yes indeed. All of this is true. What’s important to remember is that although I am seen by many to be a failed talk-show host come losing mayor come absolute joke of a politician, this evidence will be drip fed in such a way that my very good friends at the New Zealand Herald will have made up their own story about David Cunliffe long before everyone else realises that I’m absolutely full of shit.
I think you’ll all agree it’s an excellent strategy.
Banksie is back, baby. You better believe it.