PRESS CONFERENCE: Government Spokesperson

Good morning and hello to you. I’m an unnamed bureaucrat who has been banished to this press conference by the minister. He has asked me to read a statement regarding Kim Dotcom, followed by a period of time for some questions – questions I’m sure many of you have.

First the press release:

Wednesday 16 January, twenty fourteen. Wellington.

Recent releases of secret papers under the Official Information Act with regard to the residency application of one Kim Dotcom need to be clarified.

There is some suggestion that political pressure was put on the Immigration New Zealand over the application by the Internet millionaire and German fairy-tail giant Kim Dotcom. I have spoken to staff at Immigration New Zealand and they assure me that despite being quoted using the words political and pressure in the documents, this in no way indicates that political pressure was applied by the minister. Even though the minister has been unable to speak for a couple of days, I have spoken to him and through a series of hand signals and pictographs he was able to confirm that he didn’t do it.

With regards to the SIS giving in a mere 90 minutes after being told that Immigration New Zealand had no issues with Dotcom’s application, we don’t believe that to be significant. The Secret Intelligence Service has, for many years, prided itself on doing everything it possibly can in the protection of New Zealand’s interests. If doing nothing needs to be done, then that’s what they’ll do.

Statement ends. Ok… now I will take questions. Yes, you.

JOURNALIST: Did the FBI put pressure on you to grant Dotcom residency because they knew it would be much easier to extradite him to the United States from this country? Because that’s what it looks like to me and, I’m sure, everyone else in this room and around the country.

Ok… this is clearly a beltway issue and we really need to get back to the task of running the country on behalf of the government. Thanks for coming today. I direct all further questions to an underling who is yet to be appointed to the position. Thank you and good day.

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