Open letter to the whole world from Hekia Parata

Greetings and salutations to all of you.

I am writing these words because of the recent events surrounding a renegade band of misinformed hoodlums who are threatening to tear apart the high-quality public education system I and my fellow reformist visionaries are currently embarking upon in Aotearoa New Zealand.

I’m not talking about the Black Power or Mongrel Mob. I’m not talking about war criminals or genocide merchants. No. What I’m talking about is far, far worse than all of those things put together.

I’m talking about the Quality Public Education Coalition.

This outrageous group of destruction merchants have, this week, been holding what they call a “forum” where they have been discussing a “range” of “factors.”

Well, as the current minister (who has the full confidence of the Prime Minister, which is more than I can say for these hippies1), I feel it is my duty, nay, calling to highlight the many deficiencies in the ideas this ragtag group of has-been revolutionaries2 are promoting.

First of all, they suggest that the government department known as Treasury is in charge of developing education policy. This couldn’t be further from the truth. Yes, of course, Treasury are responsible for developing many different areas of government policy they should have little, if any, say in. Their ideas, however, have been very welcome in areas such as social housing, monetary policy, government subsidies for multinational companies, tax policy for incredibly rich people who don’t pay tax, and learning developments for kiwi children (which, if you read those words, quite obviously has nothing to do with education).

They’re also talking about Christchurch schools. Are they part of an experiment? Which school will they close next? How many children can they possibly fit on one 7 acre campus? All those answers and more will be available after budget day when Treasury plans for the disestablishment of everything in the Garden City – including social housing, education and roading – will be made a lot clearer. Of course, these plans have nothing to do with Treasury.

I’m not even going to talk about chartnership schools. There’s nothing to talk about. There are five. There are going to be some more. Some will do very well; others not so well. It’s a proven strategy that’s been proven in a number of proven jurisdictions worldwide – many of which have done incredibly well in the triennial PISA rankings, especially if you don’t include any other of the participants in the triennial PISA rankings.

When it all comes down to it, the National Party of New Zealand has built it’s reputation on the back of blaming Labour for everything that’s wrong with New Zealand except the things that Labour did really well, in which case we take the credit.

You can bet your third house on the fact that we will work super hard to continue to develop education policies that reflect the diverse needs of kiwi children American billionaires.

Kind regards,

Hekia Parata, Minister of and for Education.


1courtesy of WhaleOil via Judith Collins at lunch yesterday.

2courtesy of various right-wing Newstalk ZB punditry.


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