Secret recording discovered


Here at My Thinks we do a lot of digging around – mostly out the back because my son buried my wallet recently and it had a few dollars in it.

We’ve been sitting on a recording of a deal done between an, as yet, unnamed minister of “education” and what can only be described as Dr Brash. In the wake of this week’s release of Dr Brash’s autobiography we believe it to be of extreme national importance to both publish the transcript of this discussion yet also disavow any knowledge of its existence in case we get sued.


(knocking sounds & guttural whispers outside door)


(sound of door opening, footsteps, the squeak of a rusty bedspring as visitor sits)

MALE VOICE: Hello to you ma’am.

FEMALE: Yes. Hello Dr Brash. So good of you to come.

MALE: Please. Don’t use my real name. We have no idea who might be listening.

FEMALE: Certainly Donald. No names.

(muffled sound of “hello my name is” stickers being removed and dropped into the bin)

FEMALE: You know why you’re here.

MALE: Insofar as I’ve been told. Yes.

FEMALE: Tell me.

MALE: At the moment you are in the 30s on the National Party list.


MALE: You wish to be further up this list – perhaps even in cabinet.


MALE: As soon as humanely possible.


MALE: Without murdering anyone.

FEMALE: Excellent. And how are you going to make this happen for me?

MALE: Well. I have a few ideas.

FEMALE: Proceed.

MALE: When I wanted to boost my own personal political profile I laid into the Maori gravy train that is the Treaty of Waitangi settlements business. New Zealanders took that to mean I was anti-Maori and it boosted my poll rating with some sectors of the community by 20% overnight.

FEMALE: Maori-bashing from a Maori person is a terrible look. Just ask Winston Peters. Next?

MALE: I’m thirsty. Is there anything in the minibar?

FEMALE: This is a motel room. We’ve got a small pottle of UHT milk. Does that interest you?

MALE: Very, very much.

(sound of fridge opening, foil being ripped off pottle, rapid guzzling, small belch)

MALE: Delicious as always. Thank you Fonterra. What about taking out someone higher up the food chain?

FEMALE: We agreed no murdering.

MALE: No. I mean take over someone’s position. You know, in cabinet.

FEMALE: (unclear)… that bitch Tolley.

MALE: Yes. She is definitely a weak link. Along with Brownlee, Carter, Groser, both Smiths, Mapp, te Heuheu, Tisch, Wong, Guy and the other Carter.

FEMALE: What can you do with her?

MALE: We can move her sideways, or down slightly. What about getting her Racing or Veteran’s Affairs?

FEMALE: No. Those are stitched up by has-beens. What about Corrections? That’s like a poor man’s Justice Ministry. People think they’re important and in charge of justice but really they just get questioned constantly by the media because of people reoffending while on parole.

MALE: Ok. So that does it. She gets Corrections. And that mean you get…

FEMALE: (interrupting) …Education. Yes.

MALE: Yes. What plans do you have for the education portfolio… (knowing sound envelopes voice) Minister.

FEMALE: (incredulous scoffing) Plans?!? Plans!!? I have no plans. Now get out.

(sound of male going to the door)

FEMALE: Not the door.

(sound of confused male looking around for a few seconds before attempting to squeeze 60+yo body out tiny bathroom window. Quietly limps from motel grounds 30 minutes later). 

FEMALE: And so it begins.

OTHER MALE: (with light Germanic accent and aire of house music about his voice). Who voz zat my darlink?

FEMALE: A Nobody. Everything’s in place. Just go back to sleep dear.

*recording ends*


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