Greetings to you all.
I’m an unnamed public servant currently working in middle management at the Ministry of Education in Wellington. I’ve been asked by her Highness Dame Baroness Hekia Parata to tease out a few details regarding the recently created teaching positions announced by the National-led coalition government, with whom I have absolutely no links to whatsoever.
There are four new positions that are being created with nearly $350 million of investment we’ve siphoned from money saved on deregistered beneficiaries. There are four major new positions. They are:
Expert teachers are teachers that are deemed to be slightly better than most other teachers (except for other Expert Teachers, who may or may not be more or less expert than said teachers). Expert Teachers will be working closely with their colleagues – Stupid Teachers – telling them how to teach, why their teaching is so crappy, and how dumb they are making the children in their class. Expert Teachers will be paid more than Stupid Teachers and will also receive a weekly gift basket paid for, in part, by compulsory donations from Stupid Teachers.
Lead Teachers are even more awesome than expert teachers. Like Expert Teachers, Lead Teachers will be working closely with Stupid Teachers at their own school. They will also used by the government to act as role models for Stupid Teachers at other schools in their area. Lead Teachers will get a couple of days off a week to head out into the district and shout “In your face!!!” through classroom doors of Stupid Teachers. Lead Teachers will be transported between schools on a sedia gestatoria (gestatorial chair) carried by a team of Stupid Teachers.
These leaders will be employed to lift the achievement of students currently attending schools staffed by Stupid Teachers and run by Idiot Principals. Change Principals will be brought into schools, given $50,000 and be put under immense pressure by us here at the ministry. If they fail to lift achievement their title will change from Change Principal to Idiot Principals. They will lose part and/or all of their cash bribe and be sent back to their decile 10 school in the only electorate ever to actually elect an ACT member of parliament.
Executive Principals will provide leadership across a community of schools. They will be responsible for telling Idiot Principals and Stupid Teachers they are not doing anything right and they should read anything written by the late head of the Business Roundtable Roger Kerr. Once the material has been read by the teaching staff and leadership team there will be a short test administered. If they pass the test, that is, if they adopt the proposed education policy changes suggested in the paper, or by any other major business leader or failed politician, their services will be retained. If they refuse to adopt the changes they will be sent back to university for an intensive two-week teacher training programme after which they should be fully rehabilitated.
We at the Ministry of Education hope that these clarifications and enhancements have helped you understand our new policy. Any questions can be directed to the union representative at your dumb school.
Thank you for reading.