Consultants worthwhile

Hello everyone.

Hekia here again. There’s been a lot of talk today about the extra $25 million the Ministry of Education is spending on outside consulting in recent years.

Now, apart from welcoming the additional expertise being offered at market rates by people previously employed on much lower public sector rates by the ministry, it’s great to walk in our HQ in Thorndon and see so many familiar faces.

I, for one, accept there will be many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, questions from a range of different people.

In order to answer some of those questions I will be disclosing, in full, all of the different spending decisions I and my public servants at the ministry have made in recent times.

           $14,000     Educational Realignment
          $210,000     Policy Development
          $540,000     Change Engineers (pedagogical)
        $1,450,000     Change Engineers (trousers)
          $760,000     Retrograde Amnesification (Key-esque)
          $359,000     Random Acts of Unkindness
           $17,000     Beautification Consultants (flowers)
       $21,650,000     Damage Control (Hooton / Crosby Textor)

TOTAL: $25,000,000

I hope that clears up any confusion over the slight uplift in consultancy fees paid out by the ministry.

Hekia x


More on the new teaching positions

Greetings to you all.

I’m an unnamed public servant currently working in middle management at the Ministry of Education in Wellington. I’ve been asked by her Highness Dame Baroness Hekia Parata to tease out a few details regarding the recently created teaching positions announced by the National-led coalition government, with whom I have absolutely no links to whatsoever.

There are four new positions that are being created with nearly $350 million of investment we’ve siphoned from money saved on deregistered beneficiaries. There are four major new positions. They are:

Expert Teachers

Expert teachers are teachers that are deemed to be slightly better than most other teachers (except for other Expert Teachers, who may or may not be more or less expert than said teachers). Expert Teachers will be working closely with their colleagues – Stupid Teachers – telling them how to teach, why their teaching is so crappy, and how dumb they are making the children in their class. Expert Teachers will be paid more than Stupid Teachers and will also receive a weekly gift basket paid for, in part, by compulsory donations from Stupid Teachers.

Lead Teachers

Lead Teachers are even more awesome than expert teachers. Like Expert Teachers, Lead Teachers will be working closely with Stupid Teachers at their own school. They will also used by the government to act as role models for Stupid Teachers at other schools in their area. Lead Teachers will get a couple of days off a week to head out into the district and shout “In your face!!!” through classroom doors of Stupid Teachers. Lead Teachers will be transported between schools on a sedia gestatoria (gestatorial chair) carried by a team of Stupid Teachers.

Change Principals

These leaders will be employed to lift the achievement of students currently attending schools staffed by Stupid Teachers and run by Idiot Principals. Change Principals will be brought into schools, given $50,000 and be put under immense pressure by us here at the ministry. If they fail to lift achievement their title will change from Change Principal to Idiot Principals. They will lose part and/or all of their cash bribe and be sent back to their decile 10 school in the only electorate ever to actually elect an ACT member of parliament.

Executive Principals

Executive Principals will provide leadership across a community of schools. They will be responsible for telling Idiot Principals and Stupid Teachers they are not doing anything right and they should read anything written by the late head of the Business Roundtable Roger Kerr. Once the material has been read by the teaching staff and leadership team there will be a short test administered. If they pass the test, that is, if they adopt the proposed education policy changes suggested in the paper, or by any other major business leader or failed politician, their services will be retained. If they refuse to adopt the changes they will be sent back to university for an intensive two-week teacher training programme after which they should be fully rehabilitated.

We at the Ministry of Education hope that these clarifications and enhancements have helped you understand our new policy. Any questions can be directed to the union representative at your dumb school.

Thank you for reading.


An update on partnership schools

Hello everyone! Hekia speaking.

With the start of the school year upon us, there has been a lot of talk about partnership schools so I thought I’d give you a little update on what’s been happening around the traps down here in Wellington as various people and organisations apply to run our partnership schools.

We’ve had several hundred offers from a range of religious entities – many of which are totally unsuitable for running a church, let alone a school. This is why we are only offering them a third of the licenses.

Two applicants (The Stormtrooper Academy and Tony’s Tyre School) have been, very regretfully, declined. Although their applications were very thorough, there were some areas we had a few concerns with. We have invited them to apply again when the next few million is made available following the sell-off of Genesis Energy to the various mums and dads around the country.

Our three favoured institutions who will each be receiving several million dollars in non-sequential bills are:

Guess Who’s Coming to School: This fantastic new culinary school will allow several hundred impoverished young South Aucklanders develop the skills needed to appear in the UK’s foremost daytime reality cooking show.

How to be a Partnership School Teacher School: This wonderful new establishment will be offering a range of two- to three-week courses training up business leaders, industry experts and former prisoners to teach in one of our many non-unionised partnership education establishments. We are very much looking forward to seeing the immediate improvement in achievement outcomes these barely qualified teachers will be able to offer those learners in poorer communities.

High Quality: Business-School: This amazing new institution has been set up and run by former member of the Business Roundtable with the aim of identifying and fostering a new generation of industry leaders. We are very excited about this opportunity and so far we have funded the HQ: B-S to the tune of $40 million. They are due to open in mid- to late-2017 and we expect to fund them a further $90 to $170 (or $250) million in between now and then. Expect very big things.

I hope you’ve enjoyed this latest partnership school update. I look forward to offering you more updates as they come to hand.

All the best.

Hek x

Hekia’s ideas for 2014

Hiya all!

Hekia here with some top quality ideas to get your education year up and running. With so many exciting things happening this year I thought it was important to let people know what sort of things they can do to make their year both amazing and memorable.

    1. If you are still having issues with Novopay, please ring Steven Joyce. I haven’t touched that poisoned chalice for ages, and thank God. It was like having a mill-stone around your neck and still being forced to go out and vote for Peter Dunne because we’d done a deal with him.
    2. Stress is not good for your body. If I feel stressed I find the best way to relieve myself is to either punch something very hard or begin a long, slow process of reforming something – usually I’d do this to sector of some kind.
    3. There are many things you can do to make your life a little easier. One of them is not shouting things out from the back of a hall when I’m trying to deliver a speech. Just because you’ve been put out of work, this doesn’t give you the right to harp on about being put out of work. It’s not my fault you can’t hold down a job at your closing school.
    4. We in the National government are very proud of what we have achieved in education over the last 5 years. From selling off some of our finest public assets to (soon to be) selling off some of our finest empty public education properties, we’ve had a fantastic time! Let’s crack a bubbly.
    5. A lot of people ask me how we are going to decide on who is an “expert teacher” or a “change principal.” Well, quite simply, “expert teachers” are teachers who are experts at supporting National Party policy and “change principals” are principals who are incredibly good at sychophantasising over National Party policy. Many actually vote for National or ACT – we know because we ask them before they apply for the job. No point in having any Green voters in there. After all… the Greens be cray-cray.
    6. If you’re living in Remuera or Epsom and you’re looking for someone to vote for in the upcoming election you’d do very well to put your tick next to that new guy with the bald head and the flash sounding voice. I’m not sure where he’s from but he’s turned up now as the leader of ACT and I wouldn’t be surprised if he cranks into some racist policy soon – ignore that. Just focus on the good policies like selling schools or free doobs for all.

I’ll probably have some more tips as the school year progresses. Be watching and looking and remember: if you haven’t finished your “to-do” list, you’re probably not working hard enough….

Love to all!

Hek x