Government announce radical education plan

Hot on the heels of announcement from her own party and the Green Party of Aotearoa, Education Minister Hekia Parata has announced a radical new plan that is set to save the country billions and give the Finance Minister plenty of wriggle room when it comes to budget time in May.

Dubbed “No More Schools” the visionary programme, announced today during a frenetic twitter-based exchange of policy ideas with Whaleoil, David Farrar and CactusKate, would see the closure of every single school across New Zealand.

“Currently the government spends over $13 billion on education annually,” said Parata, “if we can get that figure down to two or three-hundred thousand then I think we will be able to see some real progress in the areas of subsidies to those very needy groups in society such as farmers or multi-national oil, film or mining companies.”

Secondary Principals’ Association president Tom Parsons called it a “wonderful initiative”.

“It’s super, what a game changer, what a tremendous thing. This policy is quite simply the best thing I’ve ever seen in my life. I was in Berlin in 1989 when the wall started coming down; I was in South Africa the day Nelson Mandela was released from jail; I was there in the stables when Jesus was born. None of these events compare with Parata’s plan for schools. She is just amazing. Totally amazing. I want to kiss her feet. And John Key’s feet. I want to kiss both of their feets. At the same time. I love their feet. They have the best feet, and the best education policies for all New Zealanders.”

Former ACT Party leader Rodney Hide, a well-known expert in a wide-ranging number of fields including education, welfare, climate change and business, welcomed the government announcement.

“It’s about time parents faced up to their responsibilities,” said Hide to a packed audience outside the house where he stays with his mum, “If they can’t provide then it shouldn’t be up to us to pick up the pieces of their poor parenting and educate, clothe, feed and nurture their children. We’re not the bloody government.”

Both the New Zealand Herald and Stuff.co.nz welcomed the plan printing word-for-word all government press releases and asking no questions at all.

ENDS

PS: Inspired by a tweet from @jofromgreylynn

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