Parata to Appoint Everyone to Everything

Hard on the heels of the weekend announcement to replace the elected Teachers’ Council with a board fully appointed by Education Minister Hekia Parata, the National Party has released further information on the plan. 

Ms Parata was keen to talk to reporters outside a garden shed in West Auckland that is being turned into a brand-new charter school with a $37 million funding injection from the recent float of Meridian Energy. 

“It’s a really exciting time in education,” Parata told the crowd, “I am now in charge of everything to do with education from setting national standards to handing out partnership school licences to appointing the board that oversees teacher registration.”

The sentence was met with a small round of applause from Patrick Gower and John Armstrong. 

“But I want to take this idea further,” she continued. 

Parata then went on to detail plans for her Education Ministry to take over the running of the entire health sector, including doctors, nurses and hospital food. She also announced plans for a new board that would replace the Independent Police Complaints Authority. 

“This authority has past its use-by date,” she told her adoring fans, “I will be appointing a new Police Review Committee whose job it will be independently monitor complaints against any police officers or police actions.”

Ms Parata also mooted the idea of Catherine Isaac to head the committee saying the former ACT Party stalwart was an ideal candidate because she had sat on many committees over the years and attended many meetings.

Armstrong and Gower quickly completed a knee-based “we’re not worthy” praise of Parata before she continued. 

“It’s important in these modern times,” she cooed, “that there is consistency. That is why from next year I will be appointing the list candidates for both the Labour and Green parties. For too long these lists have been filled with the wrong sorts of people and I think New Zealanders have had enough. We need some quality list candidates from both parties. Candidates like Catherine Isaac or John Hattie or even Bill Gates or Rupert Murdoch. Any of these fine people would make excellent candidates without all the hippy nonsense that has been associated with those parties in the past.”

Parata then finished the news conference by giving Gower and Armstrong plenty of kisses and cuddles and announcing plans to seize control of Auckland transport, Christchurch earthquake recovery, housing, conservation and the succession of the Royal Family in the United Kingdom of Great Britain. 

ENDS

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